Just a quiet moment [meme rp]

[omnomcinnabon]

[The snow was gently falling on the hill. Tsuzuki didn't mind. It made him feel like there were snowball fights and snow angels in his future. So far from the nearest town, it was peaceful and white as far as the eye could see. The only movement came from animals and spirits. In the end, he went outside of the little cottage, looking around expectantly. It was too cold this afternoon, so he couldn't simply leave anyone out to freeze. Not even if he had been told to focus on the mission.]

Comments

[deathofempathy]

[Hisoka peers at his partner through his bangs, wavering between uncertainty and calm through Tsuzuki's emotions flowing through him, that reassurance and vulnerability doubling through Hisoka's own given the current topic.

It's habit for Hisoka to just keep trying to shut people out, though over time with Tsuzuki's influence this has been getting better. It's just when the topic of relationships comes up he is instantly terrified. Though he knows it could be different with Tsuzuki. They are already basically inseparable. And in some ways perhaps it wouldn't change all that much between them. Yet that vulnerability, that intimacy still partly terrifies him, the idea of that with anyone, regardless of who.]

I didn't. Not really, but now...after that, you don't think we should?

[omnomcinnabon]

Alright.

[Tsuzuki is still Tsuzuki, and noticing the way his partner tenses, he leans back. Perhaps all Hisoka needs is space and time to digest what happened.

But talking makes Tsuzuki scared of saying the right thing. He knows that if he tried to explain himself now, he would only babble nervously. It is better to give Hisoka control, to decide what they need to confront first.]

Is there something in particular you want to talk about?

[deathofempathy]

I just--shit, Tsuzuki, I never considered....never thought of a relationship with anyone. You know how things are. There are so many reasons to just....say no. Between my empathy and...Muraki, I mean. It's just not something I ever really thought about.

[Which is probably obvious and not something he actually needed to say aloud. Come to think of it, he can't even particularly recall that Muraki and his initial encounter with the doctor was ever really explained to Tsuzuki beyond the curse. So Tsuzuki might have no idea on the reason beyond his empathy that he can be so touchy about physical affection. Muraki is likely the reason it is such a huge deal that Hisoka even is this close to Tsuzuki, let alone even considering the idea of more for a second, after his last and only experience.

Of course Hisoka vaguely picked up on things from his partner, but it was never anything too serious like this. Or if he did glean about it he never thought too much on it or ignored it. Of course he trusts Tsuzuki, knows his partner wouldn't hurt him, at least not intentionally.]

[omnomcinnabon]

I understand that.

[Tsuzuki knows there are sides they need to consider. Things they need to be careful with. But unlike Hisoka, when he thinks about those challenges it's as if he's looking forward to them. At least they'd be together. Together they'll be able to do anything.

It's with some regret that he smiles at Hisoka warmly.]

You don't have to be scared.

[deathofempathy]

You don't--

[Hisoka purses his lips, shaking his head and looking down to the ground for a moment, almost hugging himself. He appreciates his partner's faith and reassurance, but there are still a lot of things they would need to work through. Things Hisoka is not sure Tsuzuki is aware of yet.]

When Muraki--when I first saw him and he cursed me, that isn't all that he did to me that night. If you are serious about this, you should know that he...he raped me.

[At that, with it finally out in the open, Hisoka looks back to Tsuzuki hesitantly through his bangs. It's not something he has ever actually told anyone about before now, and to his knowledge, not something his partner would have any idea about.]

[omnomcinnabon]

[It hits him like a ton of bricks. Tsuzuki has always suspected it, knowing how incredibly aggressive Muraki could be. Even so, Tsuzuki's throat clenches with what he realizes is rage on his partner's behalf. Everything was taken from him on that night. Muraki had no right to attempt to destroy him.]

Hisoka, I'm so sorry.

[Tsuzuki doesn't pity him although he definitely feels with him. He genuinely knows what Hisoka is talking about. Just because he jokes it away doesn't mean he doesn't understand the helpless, weak feeling of being violated sexually.]

Is that... you know. Why you don't like to be touched? Aside from your empathy, I mean.

[deathofempathy]

[The rape part at least is perhaps something Hisoka could have done without regaining the memories of. But part of him is glad of it, merely adding fuel to his desire to make Muraki pay for everything he has done. He feels Tsuzuki's rage, remembering the night they initially met when he picked up on his partner's fury at merely discovering he was killed. This almost seems stronger, worse.]

It...yeah. As if the empathy alone isn't bed enough to deal with sometimes. But that's why....and another reason I've never really considered...you know, being in a relationship or anything.

[omnomcinnabon]

[Tsuzuki dearly wishes he could wrap his arms around him and reassure him that things will get better. He wants to, but given the subject he isn't sure if physical contact is allowed.]

Hisoka. Relationships aren't anything like what he did to you. I promise. People who are... attacked are still allowed to be happy.

[deathofempathy]

I know you wouldn't. I just....figured if we do...you should know. That's all.

['Attacked' is certainly one word for it. The empath sighs, looking to his partner from the flames. His expression both curious and hesitant at the same time. He knows there will be a lot to work out, that they both have issues. It won't be absolutely without some pain and frustration. But in spite of himself, he has over time come to care for Tsuzuki. Softened and become much more tolerant under his influence.]

If you are serious, I mean.

[omnomcinnabon]

[He finally takes a deep breath and hugs Hisoka close. He simply can't stop himself, not after hearing what Hisoka went through. The fact that his partner dared to tell him about it just makes Tsuzuki think that Hisoka is more brave thank he thinks he is.]

Of course I'm serious about this. About us.

[He smiles shyly, looking into Hisoka's eyes. His expression shows just how warmly he still feels about him. It is finally dawning on him that Hisoka isn't turning him down, he's trying to prepare him.]

I appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me. Thank you.

[deathofempathy]

[Hisoka gives a light gasp of surprise at the hug. And yet, knowing Tsuzuki, it shouldn't have surprised him. Of course his partner would want to hug him and reassure him. Even Hisoka would if things were perhaps the other way around. But it still slightly catches him off guard, meekly returning the hug.]

Well, you should know. I mean, before anything does happen between us. You're the first one I've told.

[The only one. Most of the time, it is enough that their co-workers know about Muraki killing and cursing him. Let alone....that. It's somehow a lot more private, as much as anything can be with their files and records. In spite of that though, it is still a relief that it doesn't seem to have changed anything. Tsuzuki still looks at him just the same, if perhaps a little softer, more pitying if Hisoka reads between the lines.]

Apart from that and with Tsubaki-hime, I never really....did anything, thought about relationships. So I'd hope you know what you'd be doing because I wouldn't.

[It's blunt, that honesty and faith in Tsuzuki. But his partner knows enough about his past to understand the reasoning. He was so young, and the last three years of his life he was bedridden with Muraki's curse. He never had a chance for anything like this.]

[omnomcinnabon]

[Tsuzuki can't very well not hug someone after such a big revelation. They need the reassurance that things are still the same between them. He won't treat him like he's some fragile, broken thing simply because of this. Tsuzuki nuzzles close, whispering in his ear before releasing him. There is still love and understanding, glowing from within.]

Your secret's safe with me.

[He listens intently as his partner continues to speak. Tsuzuki feels a stab of jealousy and grief when he mentions Tsubaki-hime. She was so young. She didn't deserve her fate. But his dark thoughts are derailed by the thought him him knowing more about relationships than Hisoka. It seems absurd at first, so he smiles in a way that betrays that he thinks it's funny. He was ostracized until he was committed to the hospital. Not a lot of time for romance.

Then he remembers the ballet dancer. Tsuzuki supposes he knows a little. There had been others before her, too. Enough of them that he realizes that he is capable of showing Hisoka what a relationship should be like. It fills him with hope and a little excitement.]

I know enough. I won't let you down, Hisoka.

[deathofempathy]

[Hisoka almost seems to fidget a little, though instinctively tensing a bit when Tsuzuki leans in and whispers in his ear, the breath tickling the skin and playing with the short hairs above.

He's not oblivious to the emotions of his partner, more that he doesn't decide to bring them up. It would make sense for Tsuzuki to perhaps be jealous and still grieving Tsubaki-hime. Even if he was the one that seemed to be attempting to bring him together with her. It did bring some insight though. If even back then so long ago that would mean his partner had feelings for him....]

I would hope so. Or else we would be pretty pathetic, both being clueless about....about this sort of thing.

[omnomcinnabon]

[Tsuzuki himself isn't conscious of the strain of jealousy he had feels. It's twined too closely together with wanting Hisoka to have a happy life that he had almost forgotten it's there. Poor Tsubaki-hime. In a way, Tsuzuki was also envious of her ability to die, but he'd never admit that.]

First of all, maybe we should talk about what is not going to happen.

[Noticing the fidgeting, Tsuzuki takes Hisoka's hands in his, looking at their entwined fingers. It's easier to speak when they're not looking into each other's eyes.]

[deathofempathy]

[There's a pause, Hisoka looking down to their hands when Tsuzuki takes them in his own. His hands seem so much smaller in comparison, reminding him of the fact he will never grow up physically to have Tsuzuki's age and taller stature. His gaze shifts upwards to meet his partner's.]

What won't happen? Like what, exactly?

[omnomcinnabon]

I won't do anything you're not agreeing to.

[Even if Tsuzuki's hand is bigger, he holds Hisoka's hands as if they were precious to him. If his partner wants to, it is all to easy for him to pull his hands out of his grasp. At no point is he trapped. ]

[Tsuzuki'd gaze lifts as Hisoka's does.]

I'd rather die than hurt you the way he did.

[deathofempathy]

Okay. That's...kind of common sense and I figured as much, but sure.

[Hisoka leaves his hands as they are, not uncomfortable enough to pull away yet. He's sitting and listening, watching the glow of the fire play out and fill the room. Watching it play on Tsuzuki's features.]

I know. You wouldn't...do that. I know. That's why I trust you.

[Even if the idea of being so intimate is still partly terrifying. He knows it would be different with his partner.]

[omnomcinnabon]

Awww, 'Soka. I trust you too.

[Tsuzuki finds himself caught by how striking Hisoka looks in the warm light. His pale skin looks golden, making him look more alive and vibrant than ever. It is how Tsuzuki sees Hisoka in his heart, strong and present and open.]

[Feeling tenderness towards him, he slowly lifts their hands to his lips and gives Hisoka's fingers a little kiss.]

We don't have to do it, you know. I am happy being with you like this, too.

[He's happy that Hisoka lets him be this near, as if he's worth something. The empath keeps impressing him, and the more he finds out about him the more he wants to get to know him better. Tsuzuki would feel silly explaining it to him, but he nevertheless hopes Hisoka knows.]

[deathofempathy]

[Of course, Tsuzuki's words cause him to blush a little, deepening slightly when he presses his lips to the empath's hand. He's not entirely sure what to make of all of this, but he knows he does trust his partner. They've both risked their lives for each other. There isn't anyone Hisoka trusts as much as he does Tsuzuki. He can't help but look hesitant, almost confused at that though.]

I thought....?

[That was what Tsuzuki wanted, by kissing him, bringing up the idea of a relationship. Didn't that usually mean...well, being more intimate? Not that Hisoka would complain, of course, but he can't help but be a little confused and perhaps even more fond of Tsuzuki for it.]

Tsuzuki. You can't...you can't hide it from me. You know that.

[omnomcinnabon]

[Hisoka is all too sweet when he blushes. Tsuzuki doesn't even dare to playfully comment on it, in case his partner would think he was only teasing him.]

He holds Hisoka's gaze, trying to show him that there's nothing to be confused about.]

I mean, I do want. You can feel that. But what I want isn't... that.

[It's not sex without love he's after. Not taking him when he's too frightened to have fun, either.

If they are to do it in the future, he wants it to be an expression of trust. It's safety and comfort, of having one love between them. It's the quiet feeling of being loved after a soul-crushing day at work. However, he knows that Hisoka has trust issues. To ask him to be this vulnerable, at least before he's ready, could end badly. He can wait and see. He looks at him, his expression uncertain and open.]

...Does it make you uncomfortable? Me feeling like this?

[deathofempathy]

[Hisoka mostly wants Tsuzuki to be honest. With him and Tsuzuki himself. Otherwise he wouldn't necessarily have brought up the topic of sex like that, not for months down the like perhaps. But with his empathy, he knows. He feels Tsuzuki's want and desire. Almost stiflingly so at times, though he usually tried to ignore it. He can't now, not anymore, after the kiss.]

It's okay, Tsuzuki. I know it would be different with you. And I'm...getting more used to it, I guess? But it's not your fault. You can't help it. You just--feel so much, so strongly all the time....

[Which is why there are certain days and times where his partner, just being around Tsuzuki can be exhausting for the empath. Though he knows that's just how his partner is. Tsuzuki can't help it, and Hisoka himself can't just turn his empathy off.]

[omnomcinnabon]

[Tsuzuki doesn't know how to respond. In a way he's completely relieved that Hisoka knows, instinctively, that he doesn't want to hurt him. That's the most important part. There's a part of him that is completely terrified at the idea of Hisoka seeing all the dark corners of his mind. There are many horrible things hiding in his past. Hisoka shouldn't have to see that, to be hurt again.]

I bet that must be exhausting sometimes.

[He knows that feeling so strongly makes him feel exhausted, too. It would only make sense that Hisoka feels the same way. However, Tsuzuki never gets tired from feeling in love. That is a emotion that only grows stronger as it grows older. Just thinking about it makes Tsuzuki yearn to reach for Hisoka again, to rest their foreheads against one another. He doesn't exactly know how Hisoka feels about it all yet, so he's trying to wait and see.]

You know, if it ever gets too bad...Just tell me. I'll give you some breathing room if you need it. I don't want you to be overloaded.

[deathofempathy]

Why do you think I sometimes go back to the rooms and read? It's not just you though. It's just....people in general, crowds. But I'm sure I've already told you about that.

[His empathy is something Hisoka has been dealing with forever, ever since he can remember more or less. He's used to it, and he has his own ethics of sorts around it. He has no intention of using it deliberately to poke further than Tsuzuki would like. It might happen unintentionally, but never on purpose. He sighs and gives a nod of agreement and appreciation.]

I know. I will. I guess with you that's less of an issue at least. You're so much more social and better with people than I am.

[omnomcinnabon]

You're not as bad at it as you think.

[Even if Hisoka is steadfastly respecting Tsuzuki's mental barriers, some feelings nevertheless make their way out and towards him. Tsuzuki is too loud and too oblivious to how to stop it, so unfortunately for the empath he has more than one opportunity to sense Tsuzuki's feelings turn affectionate and sweet once again, like a puppy desiring attention.]

Hisoka?

[deathofempathy]

Well, at least one of us thinks so.

[The wave of affection isn't unsurprising. He's used to it by now, that and Tsuzuki's general...giddiness. It is merely the strength of it that he isn't entirely expecting. He raises an eyebrow at his name, almost as a question.]

Yeah? What?